Who am I? 2

I have a confession Awkward Ones

  The other day I looked at myself in the mirror, and I almost did not recognize myself. My eyebrows had all but grown together, my skin was so dry it was flaking in patches, and my hair was in a Mom ponytail on top of my head. I live in my sweats and save jeans for special occasions. If you put me under a UV light I would light up like a Christmas tree from all the biological materials that I have on my shirt at any given time.

 I can admit that I am usually a casual person, but I began to miss a glamour that I never had. I mourned a life that I never lived. It always seems like the grass is greener no matter what side you are on. I am now a Mom, but now that does not make me just a Mom. I am still everything I was before. I just need to remember that I can take the time to be beautiful. I can take a shower and dress like a human and not the sweat suit monster I have become.

There is a flip side to this. I think of my insecurities about my looks, and I realize that my son looks a lot like me some days. How can Roman be so handsome and just an all around adorable kid and still look like me? There is a lie there somewhere, and since everyone he comes in contact with wants to put him in their pocket, I think it is with my perception of me. When did we lose ourselves to the perception of others? At what point in our lives did we stop living for ourselves and start living for what others think of us? Being a mother has made me think about all these things. I put it out here on my blog because I know I'm not alone...

A Love Letter to My Village

Hey my awkward friends

Chris and I have decided to have 7 Godparents for our son Roman. Some may think this is excessive, but he needs all the guidance he can get in this world. Each person brings something different to the table. Beautiful qualities that supplement the foundation that his father and I are building for him.

It is true that it takes a village to raise a child. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful village to call on. My family is so diverse, but through our cultural differences we all come to each other with a common spirit. That spirit that brings us together is love. I am grateful for all those who love my son so fiercely just for being born. As I watch the way each person interacts with Roman ( Yes, I am still a stalker, but I am getting better...I think.) I see the pure love that they have for him. I see the exchange of light that happens when he smiles. This is a purity of spirit I wish I could bottle. Instead I will say thank you to my dear village. Thank you for showing my son the qualities that will get him through life knowing that he is most dearly loved.

Who am I?

My apologies Awkward Ones

I have been lost in the turbulent sea of new mommy hood. It is a confusing time. I was just getting to know who I am. Now I have a new role, this person I expect myself to be. Women put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect. I want so much to be the perfect Mom, but I have no idea what I am doing. I'm making it up as I go. In some cases googling as I go. I realize that I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. I have to be honest and accept what I don't know, learn from it, and move on. I also have to realize that I'm not just a Mom. I am an artist, a writer, a wife, a teacher, and even that goofy kid I was in high school.

I have always wondered how my Mom did everything. It seemed as if she could anticipate my every need. Now I am faced with my expectations of what it means to be a Mom and I have come to the conclusion that I am not her and I have to find my own way. I won't be perfect, but I will do the best I can.

Post Holiday Special: I Think I'm a Stalker!

Oh Awkward Ones,

I have noticed that I stalk my baby. I know how Gollum from Lord of the rings must have felt. When someone is holding him I am thinking... "They wants the precious, but it is mine!" I hover behind chairs and couches. I find myself peeking around corners. I walk by his crib to make sure he is still there. This is classic awkward stalker behavior. I need to learn to just let go just a little or my poor son is going to be 35 and I am still going to be stalking him. It is ok to be protective, and cautious, but don't go overboard and be a stalker.

This Thanksgiving holiday made me see how much of a stalker I really was. This was his first holiday, and the first time the family really got to meet him. Of course they were excited. I on the other hand was sizing everyone up. I was looking for any sign of illness or weak limbs in those who wanted to hold my precious. I would panic at every stray cough. In my mind everyone was a potential source of infection. It wasn't until my Mom told me to go away that I realized I was hovering. I mean she's my Mom I should trust her right?... She raised me and I'm still alive.

I was missing out on an opportunity. I wasn't enjoying my holiday. I was so tense my shoulders were up by my ears, my muscles were tight, and I was holding my breath. I wasn't enjoying my family, (who also happen to be some of my best friends) and the time I had to spend with them. I was not letting go of the loneliness. I was not letting go of my new mommy bubble. Instead I was seeking it out, clawing at it. I did not want to let it go. I realize now for my sanity and my son's I need to learn to let go when the situation calls for it. I cannot always be the awkward stalker Mom. I need to find that balance, but you better believe when the situation calls for it I have my fierce Mama Bear claws ready for action.

I'm a quick learner.

Hello my Awkward Ones,

Since I did call this a guide, I guess I should impart some of the wisdom I have learned since becoming a mommy. For me right now I am learning to be flexible. You have to be able to roll with the punches.

I had my whole pregnancy and birth planned out and the reality did not live up to the hype in my head. Perhaps I was a bit arrogant. I was dreaming of my perfect drug free holistic water birth, at home with a midwife and a doula, and  plentiful milk for breastfeeding my newborn angel. Instead in reality I was bullied by several residents into having my water broke which led to a botched epidural and had to have an emergency C-section and I produced less than a teaspoon of milk. Talk about opposite.

I'm not saying don't have a plan. You need to have a plan, but don't let your plan get in the way of reality. You can drive yourself nuts with what ifs and disappointment. Honestly you don't need anything else to make you nuts postpartum. For a time I was so focused on what I didn't get to experience that I was missing out on what I was actually experiencing. I realize now that everything that comes with having kids is a personal journey and no one's path is exactly the same. No matter what you wish for, with kids you just got to be flexible.

Welcome Awkward Friends!

Hi my name is Sarah and I am socially awkward in life and online.

I am what people politely call a "late bloomer". I just had my first baby at 35. I know people are having babies later in life, but it still feels positively elderly when you think about just starting a family. Well what do you expect from the socially awkward. I am so completely and totally in love with the little person I made with my love, but it gets lonely. Everyone just goes on with life as usual and my whole world has changed. I have no idea what to do with a newborn. Its like I look at him and he is so tiny that I am afraid I am going to break him. So I just stare awkwardly at him and count his toes for the millionth time or sing less depressing Alanis Morrisette songs. My sister says that I should make friends or join and online community for new Moms, but that requires effort and being less socially awkward. So this blog is my compromise. Welcome to my socially awkward world!