Post Holiday Special: I Think I'm a Stalker!

Oh Awkward Ones,

I have noticed that I stalk my baby. I know how Gollum from Lord of the rings must have felt. When someone is holding him I am thinking... "They wants the precious, but it is mine!" I hover behind chairs and couches. I find myself peeking around corners. I walk by his crib to make sure he is still there. This is classic awkward stalker behavior. I need to learn to just let go just a little or my poor son is going to be 35 and I am still going to be stalking him. It is ok to be protective, and cautious, but don't go overboard and be a stalker.

This Thanksgiving holiday made me see how much of a stalker I really was. This was his first holiday, and the first time the family really got to meet him. Of course they were excited. I on the other hand was sizing everyone up. I was looking for any sign of illness or weak limbs in those who wanted to hold my precious. I would panic at every stray cough. In my mind everyone was a potential source of infection. It wasn't until my Mom told me to go away that I realized I was hovering. I mean she's my Mom I should trust her right?... She raised me and I'm still alive.

I was missing out on an opportunity. I wasn't enjoying my holiday. I was so tense my shoulders were up by my ears, my muscles were tight, and I was holding my breath. I wasn't enjoying my family, (who also happen to be some of my best friends) and the time I had to spend with them. I was not letting go of the loneliness. I was not letting go of my new mommy bubble. Instead I was seeking it out, clawing at it. I did not want to let it go. I realize now for my sanity and my son's I need to learn to let go when the situation calls for it. I cannot always be the awkward stalker Mom. I need to find that balance, but you better believe when the situation calls for it I have my fierce Mama Bear claws ready for action.

I'm a quick learner.

Hello my Awkward Ones,

Since I did call this a guide, I guess I should impart some of the wisdom I have learned since becoming a mommy. For me right now I am learning to be flexible. You have to be able to roll with the punches.

I had my whole pregnancy and birth planned out and the reality did not live up to the hype in my head. Perhaps I was a bit arrogant. I was dreaming of my perfect drug free holistic water birth, at home with a midwife and a doula, and  plentiful milk for breastfeeding my newborn angel. Instead in reality I was bullied by several residents into having my water broke which led to a botched epidural and had to have an emergency C-section and I produced less than a teaspoon of milk. Talk about opposite.

I'm not saying don't have a plan. You need to have a plan, but don't let your plan get in the way of reality. You can drive yourself nuts with what ifs and disappointment. Honestly you don't need anything else to make you nuts postpartum. For a time I was so focused on what I didn't get to experience that I was missing out on what I was actually experiencing. I realize now that everything that comes with having kids is a personal journey and no one's path is exactly the same. No matter what you wish for, with kids you just got to be flexible.

Welcome Awkward Friends!

Hi my name is Sarah and I am socially awkward in life and online.

I am what people politely call a "late bloomer". I just had my first baby at 35. I know people are having babies later in life, but it still feels positively elderly when you think about just starting a family. Well what do you expect from the socially awkward. I am so completely and totally in love with the little person I made with my love, but it gets lonely. Everyone just goes on with life as usual and my whole world has changed. I have no idea what to do with a newborn. Its like I look at him and he is so tiny that I am afraid I am going to break him. So I just stare awkwardly at him and count his toes for the millionth time or sing less depressing Alanis Morrisette songs. My sister says that I should make friends or join and online community for new Moms, but that requires effort and being less socially awkward. So this blog is my compromise. Welcome to my socially awkward world!