Who am I? 2

I have a confession Awkward Ones

  The other day I looked at myself in the mirror, and I almost did not recognize myself. My eyebrows had all but grown together, my skin was so dry it was flaking in patches, and my hair was in a Mom ponytail on top of my head. I live in my sweats and save jeans for special occasions. If you put me under a UV light I would light up like a Christmas tree from all the biological materials that I have on my shirt at any given time.

 I can admit that I am usually a casual person, but I began to miss a glamour that I never had. I mourned a life that I never lived. It always seems like the grass is greener no matter what side you are on. I am now a Mom, but now that does not make me just a Mom. I am still everything I was before. I just need to remember that I can take the time to be beautiful. I can take a shower and dress like a human and not the sweat suit monster I have become.

There is a flip side to this. I think of my insecurities about my looks, and I realize that my son looks a lot like me some days. How can Roman be so handsome and just an all around adorable kid and still look like me? There is a lie there somewhere, and since everyone he comes in contact with wants to put him in their pocket, I think it is with my perception of me. When did we lose ourselves to the perception of others? At what point in our lives did we stop living for ourselves and start living for what others think of us? Being a mother has made me think about all these things. I put it out here on my blog because I know I'm not alone...

A Love Letter to My Village

Hey my awkward friends

Chris and I have decided to have 7 Godparents for our son Roman. Some may think this is excessive, but he needs all the guidance he can get in this world. Each person brings something different to the table. Beautiful qualities that supplement the foundation that his father and I are building for him.

It is true that it takes a village to raise a child. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful village to call on. My family is so diverse, but through our cultural differences we all come to each other with a common spirit. That spirit that brings us together is love. I am grateful for all those who love my son so fiercely just for being born. As I watch the way each person interacts with Roman ( Yes, I am still a stalker, but I am getting better...I think.) I see the pure love that they have for him. I see the exchange of light that happens when he smiles. This is a purity of spirit I wish I could bottle. Instead I will say thank you to my dear village. Thank you for showing my son the qualities that will get him through life knowing that he is most dearly loved.

Who am I?

My apologies Awkward Ones

I have been lost in the turbulent sea of new mommy hood. It is a confusing time. I was just getting to know who I am. Now I have a new role, this person I expect myself to be. Women put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect. I want so much to be the perfect Mom, but I have no idea what I am doing. I'm making it up as I go. In some cases googling as I go. I realize that I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. I have to be honest and accept what I don't know, learn from it, and move on. I also have to realize that I'm not just a Mom. I am an artist, a writer, a wife, a teacher, and even that goofy kid I was in high school.

I have always wondered how my Mom did everything. It seemed as if she could anticipate my every need. Now I am faced with my expectations of what it means to be a Mom and I have come to the conclusion that I am not her and I have to find my own way. I won't be perfect, but I will do the best I can.