Part 2 of you have no idea what you are doing

I separated this post, because there is so much to say on the subject of being clueless of a thing until you are pushed in the deep end. I have found that no matter what choice you make, someone will always have an opinion on what you should be doing. Some people think that what worked for them is automatically the right thing to do for everyone.... not so. In a normal situation you and your child bond and you learn together what works, and what doesn't. For example;  when your baby is fussy you instinctively start this bouncing rocking motion, right. How did you know that motion would help soothe your fussy baby. If that doesn't work you change positions or begin humming. You go through each thing until you know what each cry means for your child. That is what I call using your instinct. People get so hung up on naming things, attachment parenting, instinctive parenting, helicopter parenting, authoritative parenting, and permissive parenting are the 5 major types that people talk about. The names themselves give you a very clear idea of what each one means. It cracks me up sometimes the things that we come up with to complicate things. I can not imagine Eve reading a book on parenting styles to be clear on what kind of parent she would be. If we accept the idea of Eve being the first woman, what frame of reference did she have to be a mother? If you are honest with yourself you could use all of those parenting styles in an hour. Parenting style is personal, it is something that you figure out as you go in many cases, and it is what works for your family. No one can tell you what works for your family but you. It is your sanity on the line. If you want to breast feed until you child is 5 then that is your business. I don't understand why people get so offended. If you don't choose to breastfeed at all that is also your business. We get in our way sometimes when we worry about what other people are doing. If we spend that energy on making sure that children who don't have homes get a proper one, then I think we would be better off as a society. Just my thoughts... What do you think?

Time Flies!

Can you believe it has almost been a year since we began this journey together?  My son just celebrated his first birthday. That was an experience I am glad comes once a year. It made me realize something, you lose your mind for a few weeks leading up to the party and then its over. You have wonderful pictures for sure, and memories, that's great and all , but is it worth crazy Mommy for weeks to have one perfect day? I am not a perfect person. I am not a perfect Mom.  What is so horrible about being your imperfect self?  Who is it that we are trying to impress with these elaborate parties? My son is one. He doesn't care. He is just happy to play with his cousins, and eat cake. Just as a side note Pinterest is the devil. It makes you believe that all this diy stuff you see on there you can do easy peasy.......Nope. Don't get me wrong I love pinterest and most of the stuff I see I can do, but it might take a few tries and ain't nobody got time for that. Follow me on instagram @sociallyawkwardmom to see the invitations my husband,and I made and the Cookie Monster and Elmo cupcakes I made.

Thanks for a great year! Next year will be even better.

Number 1! You have no idea what you are doing and that is ok.

Ok I know it has been more than a minute since my last post. I apologize my awkward friends life and technology have gotten in the way of this post. This is the number one thing that I have learned since I have become a Mom. This is one of the most important things that I must remember and keeps me sane. I have no idea what I am doing and that is okay.

There have always been babies around me, Until about the age of twenty I always thought they were all tiny demons sent to torment me. It was around that time that my sister-in-law gave birth to her first and I saw this beautiful transformation come over her. It was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. I was there with her as she learned to navigate her life as a new mom. She made it look easy, though I know it wasn't. It wasn't glamorous, but it was the most honest, and loving thing I had ever witnessed. Something even more amazing is that as our family grew and the challenges of having multiple small children became more apparent to me, she still had that look of honest love when looking at her children.

This experience led me to want to become a doula. I studied and learned everything about birth I could. I went to massage school and got certified as a therapist. I did not finish my certification as a doula, but that desire is still there. I tell you that to say that I was not completely clueless about birth. However, when my time came I learned quickly that there is no substitute for experience. Everything you think you know about birthing babies and being a mom goes out the window when that first labor pain hits.

At that first moment you are probably feeling intense love, and joy. The second feeling can only be described as uncertainty. Who thought it was a great idea to give me a baby? I can barely dress myself. You seem to ferret out every flaw in your character as to why you would not be  a great mom. You can find parenthood overwhelming. It is a 24/7 job. It feels like being dropped in the deep end of the pool at first. Then something amazing happens, you kick your legs, flail your arms, and suddenly you are treading water.

Well my friends that is the end of part One please stay tuned for the next part.

Day Four: There Must Be a God!

I have always believed in God. Being the daughter of a preacher it seems inevitable that I should. I know some don't believe in God. I don't judge, because it is not my place. But, when you have children they make you want to reevaluate your life. Children make you want to be a better person. It makes me want to have a deeper relationship with God.

There are several moments when you have children that you instinctively call on God. Yes, even if you don't think you believe in him. It could be the moment you find out you are pregnant, when that first labor pain hits, perhaps when you see your child fall for the first time, or at 3 am when you have just settled into bed and the baby starts crying again, you have uttered the words "Oh my God"! I am not talking about the casual OMG you may text to your friends. I am talking about that very short prayer you say in times of great emotion. Oh. My. God. In those three words there is an exclamation of great feeling, a statement of relationship, and acknowledgement of God.

When I had my son I could not believe that such a perfect little person had come from me. I was amazed by his tiny toes. I spent hours looking at him, and came to the only conclusion I could make. There must be a God.  What have I done in my life to deserve to be so blessed? The answer is nothing. But, that is how God loves us. He loves us without condition. He is the example of how we should love each other.

Please stay tuned tomorrow for the final installment

Day Three: The Multi Task Master

At any given time I have a hundred things on my to do list. I am constantly doing at least three things at once while thinking of the next three things I must do after that. Have you ever found yourself carrying and trying to soothe a crying baby, making a bottle, while the dinner on the stove is dangerously close to burning, the phone is ringing, and to your dismay you get a whiff of poo coming from the crying baby in your arms?  Yeah welcome to motherhood. Sometimes you are on point, you are handling with all the grace of a seasoned ballerina. You get a little cocky, and the universe throws a big fat monkey wrench in your flow. Sometimes you handle things like a hippo with vertigo on a tight rope. Just before you fall, your husband or some such angel comes to rescue you with a glass of wine, giving you a much needed break.  If you are a mom there will always be things on your to do list. You are now the C.E.O., accountant, nutritionist, nurse, chef, manager, driver, teacher, and janitor for your family. There will always be dishes, laundry, appointments, and meals to make. But, at the center of all of this is love. Love makes us get up at ungodly hours with sick children. Love makes us cook meals for our family even though we suck at it. Love gives us the strength to juggle our to do list, our lives, and our families. There is one thing that I can recommend in order to be more successful in your multi-task. You must put yourself on your to do list. We spend so much time taking care of the needs of those we love, that we forget about ourselves until something unforeseen forces us to. Be good to yourself, so you can be good to your family. Now go forth and multi-task

Day Two: #4 The Crazy Scale

Yesterday we started with my top five list. Number Five: The Eww Factor is in the bag. Today we explore

  Number Four: The Crazy Scale

 If you are anything like me you hate when men blame your feelings on hormones. The statement: "It must be that time of the month." Has earned many a man at the very least a dirty look. If it is that time of month you might get punched. After you have a baby people unknowingly reduce your feelings to "baby blues" It is irksome and in some cases dangerous to diminish postpartum feelings as "baby blues" Postpartum depression/anxiety/psychosis are very real things that should not be looked down on or pushed off as "baby blues"  If you need help please contact your doctor. If you need resources check out http://postpartumprogress.com.   I don't ever want any of my awkward friends to feel as they are alone in the journey in mommy hood. 

Now, what I am talking about is the extra quirkiness your personality acquires when you become a parent. The quirkiness that turns your once comfy home into a deathtrap. You see danger around every corner. I admit that before my son a was a bit of a germaphobe.  Since his birth that little bit has increased threefold. Nothing is ever clean enough for him to touch, but I have to stop myself for being crazy. There is nothing I can do short of putting him in a bubble that will protect him from everything in the world. I can only protect him from what I can. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. So, I just cringe, make faces, and sometimes things play out in my mind like a slow motion horror movie. Even with the extra craziness that I have acquired I still manage to do my best at curbing my neurosis. Being positive, and surrounding yourself with positivity works wonders even when you don't feel like being positive. 

There is another kind of craziness that we go through. I have to admit that this particular craziness is due to hormones. After you have a baby there are many hormones going through your body. There is a point after giving birth when hormone levels are out of balance. You cry for no reason, have trouble sleeping, don't know how to deal with your new body. To this hormonal craziness I say, you just have to ride it out. Cry for no reason, learn to knit for when you can't sleep, and love the body that just created a new life. It will pass, and you will be the best mom you can be.

Now there is a different kind of craziness that comes with older children, but that is a topic for another day.

Top Five Things: Day One

Becoming a parent is an amazing thing. It has become a process of discovery for me. I am doing my best to enjoy every moment. My son's first year is half over. Time is flying by so fast, and I find myself trying to remember to be present. Writing for you my awkward friends gives me a chance to reflect and share. So, now I will share with you my top five list of things I have learned since becoming a mommy.

#5 The Ewww Factor:

Everything that grosses you out is probably going to happen when you have children. If you find it disgusting it will probably end up in your child's mouth. This can continue even past the oral stage of development, which is the first twenty one months. I have a severe aversion to regurgitation. It is so bad I can't even say the v-word because just the word makes me gag. Gross....  Babies spit up. Fact. If you have a baby you will get spit up on. Fact. If you want a baby you will have to learn to deal with messes of all kinds. Sometimes you have to realize that this is a moment and it will pass. There is so much more to celebrate than there is to freak out about when it comes to life. Bodily fluids no longer completely gross me out to the extent as they once did.  They still hold a definite eww factor for me. I am getting over it.

Please come back tomorrow for the next installment #4 The Crazy Scale

Feed the Beast!

My family and those who really know me knew before Roman was born that I wanted to make my own baby food. Knowing this I received two baby food makers at my shower.  I wasn't sure at the time, but I do use them both. Now I have nothing against jar food. It is convenient, and I do plan to use them at some point. However, if I can make it myself I say why not.  I tried to wait the six months like the books tell you,but my little butterball wasn't having it. Sometimes you have to take the cue from your wee one. He demonstrated everything on the checklist and then some. I knew it was time for him to eat when he started to mimic chewing motions whenever he saw someone eat.f that is not a clue I don't know what is. I am so excited to enjoy this next phase of Roman's life. I will post my triumphs and fails as I go. My first triumph... apple sauce. It was so good I enjoyed a bit of the leftovers myself :-)

First Night Out

Your first night out after you give birth is important. It is important for your sanity and your relationship. The time immediately after birth is spent in a bubble with your family. It is a period of adjustment, reflection, contemplation, discovery, and sleep deprivation. You have to surface at some point and take care of your social needs. You need adult conversations to stimulate your adult brain. I knew I had this need, but I did not want to leave my son. How irresponsible of me to leave him and go gallivanting (do people still say that?)? We as mothers judge ourselves too harshly. I had to stop making excuses for why I couldn't go out.

So, I went out. It was a friend's birthday and I had a great time. I don't know if it was the company, the atmosphere, or a wonderful combination of both, but it was an enjoyable night. We dined at Quartino a small plate Italian restaurant in downtown Chicago. The food was excellent. (for all my Chicago friends I will post a review at a later time) After dinner we went to the House of Blues for a concert. The band was a local one called Sixteen Candles. They are an awesome 80s cover band. They play everything from the band Ah-Ha to the Eurhythmics. It was amazing for my first night out post baby, but I still fought with myself not to be a stalker and call and check on him every five minutes. I quite literally sat with the phone in my, sweating, willing myself not to call. I did not call. I won the battle of wills. Unfortunately I did not win the war. I spent the next two weeks having nightmares. So when it comes down to it just make the call. You will feel better and you can enjoy your night.

Advice on...Advice

I have never been given so much advice in my life. I had debated whether I should say anything on this subject or keep my trap shut. In the end this is my blog and I can say what I want. If anyone is offended… well you know… I still love you.

Since becoming a mom people have been giving me advice on everything. On one hand it is great to know people care enough to tell me something to make my life easier. On the other hand it is like being told: You don’t know what you are doing. So, do it my way. I know what’s best. One of the most beautiful things about being a mom is the constant sense of discovery. This includes learning your baby and what works best for the both of you. I keep myself sane by having conversations with likeminded moms. They give me the reassurance I need to know that I am not the worst parent ever and my baby hates me. That not going with what my parents did or the cultural norm is ok. I am who I am. I won’t judge the way you choose to parent because that is your right and it is not my place. I have to learn what motherhood looks like to me. I have beautiful women in my life who parent in completely different ways, but I consider them all to be great moms. They have the most amazing kids, but they are amazing in different ways. The commonality I see is that they are all given room to let their own personalities blossom. In sharing with likeminded individuals we will find our way as mothers. Through love not advice, and in our own time.

Back to the heart of the matter. So, how do I handle unwanted advice givers?  I handle them with all the passive aggressive love I can muster. It’s that or slap them with a dirty diaper. (I always have those on hand.) Seriously though I find the thing that I admire most about them as a person. Then I ask for advice about that thing I admire and I would like to incorporate into my life. It can be anything a recipe, an exercise routine, financial planning, or gardening. It doesn’t matter. It’s that or a diaper slap. I choose to be more loving.

Oh, and for the people who ask if your baby sleeps through the night, and gives you the pity face when you say no… be careful we are tired and cranky. You can get a diaper too!

Who am I? 2

I have a confession Awkward Ones

  The other day I looked at myself in the mirror, and I almost did not recognize myself. My eyebrows had all but grown together, my skin was so dry it was flaking in patches, and my hair was in a Mom ponytail on top of my head. I live in my sweats and save jeans for special occasions. If you put me under a UV light I would light up like a Christmas tree from all the biological materials that I have on my shirt at any given time.

 I can admit that I am usually a casual person, but I began to miss a glamour that I never had. I mourned a life that I never lived. It always seems like the grass is greener no matter what side you are on. I am now a Mom, but now that does not make me just a Mom. I am still everything I was before. I just need to remember that I can take the time to be beautiful. I can take a shower and dress like a human and not the sweat suit monster I have become.

There is a flip side to this. I think of my insecurities about my looks, and I realize that my son looks a lot like me some days. How can Roman be so handsome and just an all around adorable kid and still look like me? There is a lie there somewhere, and since everyone he comes in contact with wants to put him in their pocket, I think it is with my perception of me. When did we lose ourselves to the perception of others? At what point in our lives did we stop living for ourselves and start living for what others think of us? Being a mother has made me think about all these things. I put it out here on my blog because I know I'm not alone...

A Love Letter to My Village

Hey my awkward friends

Chris and I have decided to have 7 Godparents for our son Roman. Some may think this is excessive, but he needs all the guidance he can get in this world. Each person brings something different to the table. Beautiful qualities that supplement the foundation that his father and I are building for him.

It is true that it takes a village to raise a child. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful village to call on. My family is so diverse, but through our cultural differences we all come to each other with a common spirit. That spirit that brings us together is love. I am grateful for all those who love my son so fiercely just for being born. As I watch the way each person interacts with Roman ( Yes, I am still a stalker, but I am getting better...I think.) I see the pure love that they have for him. I see the exchange of light that happens when he smiles. This is a purity of spirit I wish I could bottle. Instead I will say thank you to my dear village. Thank you for showing my son the qualities that will get him through life knowing that he is most dearly loved.

Who am I?

My apologies Awkward Ones

I have been lost in the turbulent sea of new mommy hood. It is a confusing time. I was just getting to know who I am. Now I have a new role, this person I expect myself to be. Women put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect. I want so much to be the perfect Mom, but I have no idea what I am doing. I'm making it up as I go. In some cases googling as I go. I realize that I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. I have to be honest and accept what I don't know, learn from it, and move on. I also have to realize that I'm not just a Mom. I am an artist, a writer, a wife, a teacher, and even that goofy kid I was in high school.

I have always wondered how my Mom did everything. It seemed as if she could anticipate my every need. Now I am faced with my expectations of what it means to be a Mom and I have come to the conclusion that I am not her and I have to find my own way. I won't be perfect, but I will do the best I can.