His Name: Alan Sidney Patrick Rickman

I am greatly saddened by the news of the passing of Alan Rickman. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a bit of an Anglophile. I love theater, and the art of acting. My favorite actor.... Alan Rickman. There was a quiet Brilliance in his work that changed the way we look at villains today. He was a storyteller, a true artist, and a down to earth person. I had the supreme pleasure of meeting him in 2004 when I was in the B.A.D.A. (British American Drama Academy) studying abroad in the UK. When I found out we were going to meet him, I think I stopped breathing for a minute. I had just bought a picture of him from his days at the Royal Shakespeare Company while I was in Stratford upon Avon. My friend Hiro had to listen to me blab for three days about Alan Rickman. I would drone on and on about how other students only knew him as Professor Snape from the Harry Potter Movies.... blah blah blah. Let me step back in time for just a moment. I became aware of Alan Rickman like most people in movies like Die Hard as the villain Hans Gruber, and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves as the Sheriff. However, as an actor I discovered his true brilliance in one line in the 1995 movie Sense and Sensiblity, which was directed by Ang Lee. In the line "Give me an occupation, Miss Dashwood, or I shall run mad." it was as if he wasn't acting, but telling his characters truth. This one line lead me down an Alan Rickman rabbit hole i which I found the independent film Closet Land (1991) The entire movie is set in one place and there are only two people in the entire movie.  Madeleine Stowe and Alan Rickman held this movie together with strong character portrayals and storytelling. It is a brilliant lesson in storytelling for any actor. So, I looked at meeting him, like meeting royalty. However, when the time came I found him to be so utterly human, and so wonderfully himself. When it came time for autographs I sat frozen in my seat. I did not want to be one of the ones who took a piece of him for his fame. I was content with the memory of the wisdom he had given me. But, my friend Hiro said I owed him for him listening to me talk constantly about Alan Rickman for the the three days prior. So, I walked about three feet away from him in a crowd of people staring at the picture I had bought. I suddenly heard a deep voice say, "Well, I haven't seen that in quite sometime." he smiled the warmest smile and laughed. He took the picture from my hand and asked my name. He signed that photo even though I didn't ask him to. He made me feel special in a crowd of people. I was happy with that. Later my friend Hiro pulled me to the side and presented me with a glass. In the commotion of autograph signing he had take the glass that Alan Rickman drank from, and presented it to me as the greatest gift. I laughed so hard. I didn't need that, but the gesture was so wonderful it filled my heart that day. Tragically the glass never made it back to the States. But, this memory is what I am left with today. A supreme feeling of joy and gratitude that I had this moment in time. There is a deep feeling of sadness that I feel also. My condolences to his wife Rima who had been with him longer than I have been alive. Rest in Eternal Peace.

Part 2 of you have no idea what you are doing

I separated this post, because there is so much to say on the subject of being clueless of a thing until you are pushed in the deep end. I have found that no matter what choice you make, someone will always have an opinion on what you should be doing. Some people think that what worked for them is automatically the right thing to do for everyone.... not so. In a normal situation you and your child bond and you learn together what works, and what doesn't. For example;  when your baby is fussy you instinctively start this bouncing rocking motion, right. How did you know that motion would help soothe your fussy baby. If that doesn't work you change positions or begin humming. You go through each thing until you know what each cry means for your child. That is what I call using your instinct. People get so hung up on naming things, attachment parenting, instinctive parenting, helicopter parenting, authoritative parenting, and permissive parenting are the 5 major types that people talk about. The names themselves give you a very clear idea of what each one means. It cracks me up sometimes the things that we come up with to complicate things. I can not imagine Eve reading a book on parenting styles to be clear on what kind of parent she would be. If we accept the idea of Eve being the first woman, what frame of reference did she have to be a mother? If you are honest with yourself you could use all of those parenting styles in an hour. Parenting style is personal, it is something that you figure out as you go in many cases, and it is what works for your family. No one can tell you what works for your family but you. It is your sanity on the line. If you want to breast feed until you child is 5 then that is your business. I don't understand why people get so offended. If you don't choose to breastfeed at all that is also your business. We get in our way sometimes when we worry about what other people are doing. If we spend that energy on making sure that children who don't have homes get a proper one, then I think we would be better off as a society. Just my thoughts... What do you think?

Time Flies!

Can you believe it has almost been a year since we began this journey together?  My son just celebrated his first birthday. That was an experience I am glad comes once a year. It made me realize something, you lose your mind for a few weeks leading up to the party and then its over. You have wonderful pictures for sure, and memories, that's great and all , but is it worth crazy Mommy for weeks to have one perfect day? I am not a perfect person. I am not a perfect Mom.  What is so horrible about being your imperfect self?  Who is it that we are trying to impress with these elaborate parties? My son is one. He doesn't care. He is just happy to play with his cousins, and eat cake. Just as a side note Pinterest is the devil. It makes you believe that all this diy stuff you see on there you can do easy peasy.......Nope. Don't get me wrong I love pinterest and most of the stuff I see I can do, but it might take a few tries and ain't nobody got time for that. Follow me on instagram @sociallyawkwardmom to see the invitations my husband,and I made and the Cookie Monster and Elmo cupcakes I made.

Thanks for a great year! Next year will be even better.

Number 1! You have no idea what you are doing and that is ok.

Ok I know it has been more than a minute since my last post. I apologize my awkward friends life and technology have gotten in the way of this post. This is the number one thing that I have learned since I have become a Mom. This is one of the most important things that I must remember and keeps me sane. I have no idea what I am doing and that is okay.

There have always been babies around me, Until about the age of twenty I always thought they were all tiny demons sent to torment me. It was around that time that my sister-in-law gave birth to her first and I saw this beautiful transformation come over her. It was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. I was there with her as she learned to navigate her life as a new mom. She made it look easy, though I know it wasn't. It wasn't glamorous, but it was the most honest, and loving thing I had ever witnessed. Something even more amazing is that as our family grew and the challenges of having multiple small children became more apparent to me, she still had that look of honest love when looking at her children.

This experience led me to want to become a doula. I studied and learned everything about birth I could. I went to massage school and got certified as a therapist. I did not finish my certification as a doula, but that desire is still there. I tell you that to say that I was not completely clueless about birth. However, when my time came I learned quickly that there is no substitute for experience. Everything you think you know about birthing babies and being a mom goes out the window when that first labor pain hits.

At that first moment you are probably feeling intense love, and joy. The second feeling can only be described as uncertainty. Who thought it was a great idea to give me a baby? I can barely dress myself. You seem to ferret out every flaw in your character as to why you would not be  a great mom. You can find parenthood overwhelming. It is a 24/7 job. It feels like being dropped in the deep end of the pool at first. Then something amazing happens, you kick your legs, flail your arms, and suddenly you are treading water.

Well my friends that is the end of part One please stay tuned for the next part.

Day Four: There Must Be a God!

I have always believed in God. Being the daughter of a preacher it seems inevitable that I should. I know some don't believe in God. I don't judge, because it is not my place. But, when you have children they make you want to reevaluate your life. Children make you want to be a better person. It makes me want to have a deeper relationship with God.

There are several moments when you have children that you instinctively call on God. Yes, even if you don't think you believe in him. It could be the moment you find out you are pregnant, when that first labor pain hits, perhaps when you see your child fall for the first time, or at 3 am when you have just settled into bed and the baby starts crying again, you have uttered the words "Oh my God"! I am not talking about the casual OMG you may text to your friends. I am talking about that very short prayer you say in times of great emotion. Oh. My. God. In those three words there is an exclamation of great feeling, a statement of relationship, and acknowledgement of God.

When I had my son I could not believe that such a perfect little person had come from me. I was amazed by his tiny toes. I spent hours looking at him, and came to the only conclusion I could make. There must be a God.  What have I done in my life to deserve to be so blessed? The answer is nothing. But, that is how God loves us. He loves us without condition. He is the example of how we should love each other.

Please stay tuned tomorrow for the final installment

Day Three: The Multi Task Master

At any given time I have a hundred things on my to do list. I am constantly doing at least three things at once while thinking of the next three things I must do after that. Have you ever found yourself carrying and trying to soothe a crying baby, making a bottle, while the dinner on the stove is dangerously close to burning, the phone is ringing, and to your dismay you get a whiff of poo coming from the crying baby in your arms?  Yeah welcome to motherhood. Sometimes you are on point, you are handling with all the grace of a seasoned ballerina. You get a little cocky, and the universe throws a big fat monkey wrench in your flow. Sometimes you handle things like a hippo with vertigo on a tight rope. Just before you fall, your husband or some such angel comes to rescue you with a glass of wine, giving you a much needed break.  If you are a mom there will always be things on your to do list. You are now the C.E.O., accountant, nutritionist, nurse, chef, manager, driver, teacher, and janitor for your family. There will always be dishes, laundry, appointments, and meals to make. But, at the center of all of this is love. Love makes us get up at ungodly hours with sick children. Love makes us cook meals for our family even though we suck at it. Love gives us the strength to juggle our to do list, our lives, and our families. There is one thing that I can recommend in order to be more successful in your multi-task. You must put yourself on your to do list. We spend so much time taking care of the needs of those we love, that we forget about ourselves until something unforeseen forces us to. Be good to yourself, so you can be good to your family. Now go forth and multi-task

Day Two: #4 The Crazy Scale

Yesterday we started with my top five list. Number Five: The Eww Factor is in the bag. Today we explore

  Number Four: The Crazy Scale

 If you are anything like me you hate when men blame your feelings on hormones. The statement: "It must be that time of the month." Has earned many a man at the very least a dirty look. If it is that time of month you might get punched. After you have a baby people unknowingly reduce your feelings to "baby blues" It is irksome and in some cases dangerous to diminish postpartum feelings as "baby blues" Postpartum depression/anxiety/psychosis are very real things that should not be looked down on or pushed off as "baby blues"  If you need help please contact your doctor. If you need resources check out http://postpartumprogress.com.   I don't ever want any of my awkward friends to feel as they are alone in the journey in mommy hood. 

Now, what I am talking about is the extra quirkiness your personality acquires when you become a parent. The quirkiness that turns your once comfy home into a deathtrap. You see danger around every corner. I admit that before my son a was a bit of a germaphobe.  Since his birth that little bit has increased threefold. Nothing is ever clean enough for him to touch, but I have to stop myself for being crazy. There is nothing I can do short of putting him in a bubble that will protect him from everything in the world. I can only protect him from what I can. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. So, I just cringe, make faces, and sometimes things play out in my mind like a slow motion horror movie. Even with the extra craziness that I have acquired I still manage to do my best at curbing my neurosis. Being positive, and surrounding yourself with positivity works wonders even when you don't feel like being positive. 

There is another kind of craziness that we go through. I have to admit that this particular craziness is due to hormones. After you have a baby there are many hormones going through your body. There is a point after giving birth when hormone levels are out of balance. You cry for no reason, have trouble sleeping, don't know how to deal with your new body. To this hormonal craziness I say, you just have to ride it out. Cry for no reason, learn to knit for when you can't sleep, and love the body that just created a new life. It will pass, and you will be the best mom you can be.

Now there is a different kind of craziness that comes with older children, but that is a topic for another day.